News – ALL IS WELL 

The deep fog reaching across swathes of the country caused some consternation this morning. This prompted a Government spokesperson to reassure the general public that all is well. She firmly quashed rumours that the fog was a cover for eldritch alien fog monsters. 

“It would appear that some people have been reading too many comic books and watching late night showings of classic horror films while eating wheels of cheese.” Ms Irma deBunquer (spokesperson for Number 10) said. “There is no such thing as fog monsters, and if they existed – which they don’t – then I can reassure you that they would not be able to infiltrate the government. Which they categorically haven’t. Because they don’t exist. Honestly! Guides’ honour!” 

Advert – New Broadway Show Casting Calls

Famed Broadway director Harold Prince is currently seeking cast members for an initial 3 month run of his new show, Caberet at New York’s Broadhurst Theatre. Set in the early stages of Hitler’s rise to power, the show brings pathos, drama and some comedy to the fractious times before the Second World War. 

The show has recently completed a small rehearsal tour in preparation for the move to Broadway. Rehearsals start in earnest in June and casting begins in early February. As a musical, cast members must be prepared and able to sing and dance. Choreography will be arranged by Ron Field. Interested parties should provide a full Resumé with headshot to Bowles Casting, 17th Street, New York.  

News – Eurovision Song Contest Winner Survives Assassination Attempt 

A failed suspected attempt to assassinate the Austrian winner of this year’s Eurovision Song Contest took place early yesterday evening. Udo Jürgens was making his way to the Swinging Chandelier night club where he was due to perform. He was less than five minutes from the home of Lady Victoria Parker, with whom he is staying during his trip to the UK, when a large black car tried to force him from the road. 

Her ladyship’s driver handled the situation with aplomb and managed to keep the vehicle on track. Police have hailed the driver as a hero, for his handling of the situation. Her Ladyship is said to be relieved at the news. Mr Jürgens is expected to add an additional date to his calendar to accommodate disappointed fans. 

News – Body Found in London Suburb 

Police are investigating the death of an unknown woman found in a West London suburb earlier this morning. The victim was described by eyewitnesses as an attractive woman of South Asian appearance, looking to be in her mid to late 30s. 

The woman is not local to the area and was found dressed in designer evening wear. Carrying no identification but with a camera in her handbag as well as a selection of lockpicks and a small handgun, police are currently appealing for witnesses. The coroner is expected to release cause of death in the coming days. 

News – Civil Servant Honoured in Rare Individual Ceremony 

Yesterday Her Majesty The Queen honoured one of her household in an an unusual individual ceremony at Windsor Castle. The Knighthood was bestowed on Mr Peter Patrick Squiggle for services to Her Majesty. 

Having worked his way up through various Ministries, Sir Peter has served in the Royal Household for five years, ensuring that the Royal Calendar is run with a precision that even the military envy. Sir Peter is said to be honoured and humbled by the decision. 

News – Ming Vase Stolen from Country Estate 

Late last night it was confirmed that a Ming Dynasty vase was stolen from a Scottish estate. The thieves aren’t believed to have taken anything other than the vase, despite the fact that the house (Skyfall Lodge) contains a wide variety of valuable antiquities. 

Police are currently searching for the perpetrators and have offered a reward for the recovery of the vase (valued at £1,500,000). At present they have declared that they have no clear leads due to the remote location of the scene.